There are so many computer things falling apart in my life, not to mention, well, my whole fucking life sort of falling apart.  But I guess I just need to deal with one problem at a time.  That’s a little difficult when I am balancing an anger that makes me see red and attempting to enjoy the fact that I am pregnant.

Plus, I haven’t really written in a long time and getting the flow and voice down is difficult.

Today’s immediate problem – Questionable Discharge

Why Ruin Good Underwear?

Today was hard.  I was already in a shitty state of mind (when am I not these days?) and I got a little freaked out about discharge.  Yes, vaginal discharge.  From what little reading on pregnancy I’ve actually been doing I know that in the second trimester some women tend to get a slightly heavier discharge.  For me it hasn’t been so bad, a little heavier, but nothing too gross.

But then this morning I felt this, for lack of a better word, gush.  It wasn’t as if I peed my pants but it was just different than the normal “glad I have a lot of granny underwear” moment.

I was already feeling pretty bad because I didn’t sleep well last night.  I had been doing ok yesterday, but somewhere along the line yesterday I decided to be masochistic and looked at TFC’s twitter feed.  Bad move.  She’s decided to be smug and referred to my future ex-husband as her “bf”.  I’m sure she can’t wait for someone to ask her who it is so she can be coy.  Sweetheart, you’re having an affair – it’s not cool.  It was some drivel about losing a hair brush and either getting dreads or waiting until her bf complained.  Now unless he’s drastically changed, he’s not going to say shit about what her hair looks like, but I guess that’s for her to find out.  So the whole thing made me feel like shit and I didn’t get much sleep at all. Yes, I know, step away from the Twitter.

Being late for work and very tired, I decided that the gush was nothing and headed off to midtown.  But mid-morning I felt another small gush, and like the squadrons of women who have gone through any sort of infertility, I headed to the bathroom to take a look.  There was a spot on my underwear but I couldn’t tell if it was the dreaded amniotic fluid leak or just regular discharge.  Part of the problem determining what was going on was because I had just gotten a more painful than usual Brazilian yesterday and the nether regions felt a little tender.  So I did what any normal, slightly paranoid, first-time pregnant woman would do and called the nurse.

I ended up getting squeezed in for an ultrasound in the afternoon so that they could check on The Blob and measure the amniotic fluid.  Any other time I would have been happy to go in for an extra ultrasound but this time I was just too worried to enjoy.  So with my pants down and abdomen covered with goo the technician showed me the heart beat (she said it looked strong), looked around and made a bunch of measurements.  To my untrained eye The Blob looked pretty cramped in there and I couldn’t recognize much (but the spine – weird) but the technician said that all seem to look well to her.  I will call Dr. Z tomorrow to see what he says based on the measurements that were taken, but I gather that no one is too worried.

Despite her moderate reassurances, I don’t think I actually feel any better because my body just feels off today.  Along with the emotional shit, my back aches from sleeping on the airbed at the sublet, I’m feeling dull stretching aches in my abdomen, and I get horrible leg cramps every morning at about 5 am.

But…I can feel him moving about a lot more frequently.  And almost every time I feel a movement I end up talking to him and it makes me smile just a little bit