It’s been a long time since I have posted and there are a lot of very personal reasons for that.
It’s hard to really know just how much personal information and emotions to post when you are going through a transition period such that I am dealing with. I wear my heart on my sleeve but have to remember that not everyone 1) wants to hear the sordid details of my life and 2) understands that venting is not necessarily your true feelings, it is your anger and frustration only.
So as non-emotional as I can make it here’s is what has been happening since February 2010.
- Mar – IVF #4 was a BFN
- Mar – Start taking DHEA
- Apr – Start IUI #1 w/Letrozole
- Apr – Husband says he wants a divorce
- May – I find out I’m PREGNANT!!!
- May – Separation mediation begins
- May – We deal with shit
- June – I find out there’s a third person involved (20 yrs younger than Husband – what a cliché, huh?)
- June – We deal with shit
- July – Have CVS – results are that baby is fine chromosomally and it’s a BOY.
- July (late) – I move to sublet
So that’s about as impersonal as I can make things at the moment. I have a lot of anger and sadness about the way things are turning out. I put a lot of effort into my marriage after I realized that we both had commitment and trust problems to deal with. I’m still dealing with mine and I think that this hurts more than I expected because in 2008 I had made the decision to fully commit (mentally – we’d both not been fully committed mentally) to the marriage and tried to accept Husband for who he was. There are changes in his own life that he needs to makes but I can only want him to change and let him know when his actions hurt me but I cannot make him change.
People keep wondering why I’m so upset about the separation. I think it’s because I see the good in him despite all the years of dealing with the indifferent and the bad and when I’m with someone, I’m endlessly forgiving. This doesn’t mean that I forget all the bad stuff but it does mean that I allow it to happen over and over in hopes that it will someday change. Plus, 11 1/2 year with someone is a long time to get comfortable with things.
I have to admit that I am pretty scared about doing this sort of alone. Husband is now on board participation-wise but that doesn’t make it any less scary because, barring a huge emotional effort on his part, I am essentially still going at this alone. I know that there have thousands in my position before me and there will be thousands more after me, but I’m a little scared about being a 41 yr old, first time, single mom. I’m afraid of failing at child rearing, I’m afraid of never having a relationship again, I’m afraid abotu finances. But I have a wonderful support network and just have to remember to take things one problem and one joy at a time.
Going forward, I will probably be writing about our separation and the pregnancy and when the time comes (knock on wood), the baby.