I’ve been taking a break from infertility, from everything. From my camera being stolen in July 2008 to the abnormal mammogram in November 2009, things have just kept happening despite my attempts to have a positive attitude so I decided to stop thinking for a little while and be neutral.

I used to be, and still am to an extent, an odd combination of glass-half-empty/granola-girl-look-at-the-pretty-clouds person. I haven’t had any problems smiling at the simplest things or finding joy in the moment. At the same time, I was always a worrier and a planner - planning for the “what if”. I remember telling a college boyfriend to “smile” (and yes, I know that’s annoying) and his reply was “I don’t always have to be smiling”. Funny thing was, he didn’t smile much and I think I smiled just a little less after that conversation. And before I met Husband, I was the uptight one in any group always finding the negative before the positive. I still often say “no” before I say “yes” at work because I don’t like the idea of being a Yes Man before I’ve had a chance to figure out the situation.

I’ve recently gotten on Facebook to try to reconnect with people who were important to me during important times in my life. Not surprisingly, the first thing anyone asks is “What have you been up to?” And right now, this is difficult question for me to answer because in many ways I feel like a failure because of my inability to finish anything, my stagnant career, and my lack of offspring/family.

As a young women in the late 80s we were told to go out and conquer the world but along the way someone forgot to tell us about the cut off for having children or for that matter basic information on our fertility. We were on birth control from college on. And then being women in men’s professions we had to either manipulate (which I couldn’t do) or appear tougher than we were. To appear as if we needed no help. It is hard not to be bitter about the choices we made or were made for us, but the fact is (as of yet) we cannot change the past and we do not know what the future brings.

Through all of the recent (2007-2010) events I have tried to be Pollyanna about things. I have tried to be centered, to find peace, to do meditation, to do research, to support others in their quest for children against the odds, to be there for others no matter what they are going through. To continue communicate with Husband , continue to work on the relationship. I’ve visualized sperm meeting egg and embryos traveling down fallopian tubes. I’ve been to acupuncture - which was a find in all of this - I love acupuncture and my acupuncturists. Well, most of my acupuncturists - one was pretty much out there to take women desperate for children for all they were worth. I have researched and shared a million and one topics related to infertility. So where does that leave me? Tired. I’m tired of thinking about this stuff. The funny thing was in November I was just going to go with the flow and guess what happened then? I needed an excisional breast biopsy.

Husband likes to point out that we have it better than most of the rest of the world. And yes, if you compare yourself then yes, it would appear that we do have it better than a vast many. However Husband does seem to be better at having empathy for the big picture more than for individuals. On the other hand, my mother says never to compare yourself. You are living in and by the constraints and privileges of your culture and no other. It is hard not to compare yourself though, whether against others in our Western culture or others in other cultures very different from our own.

Glad it was the fork & not my leg

But the truth is that in all of this, I have been lucky. My camera gets stolen and I can afford to buy another one a year later (a nice one). I get hit by a truck and by luck and skill I’m not horrifically hurt. I find out about my high FSH and get a preliminary consultation with an RE in two weeks (typical wait for preliminary consult is months). We’re having trouble conceiving but we have the opportunity to try IVF because my job has an IVF rider. The rider costs a lot of money, but I have a job. The cat gets sick, but I can afford to take care of her. I have a breast cancer scare but don’t have breast cancer. So my job isn’t the best in the world and I haven’t been able to save much and I’m not on the mortgage that I’ve been paying for 10 years but I can afford to take care of things and to save some. I have some wonderful friends and family who are there for me even if they are not physically close (and some that are).

So in terms of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs I’ve got the Physiological, Safety, and half of the Love/belonging levels covered. But the other half of Love/belonging, Esteem, and Self-actualization still elude me.

The path forward is mine to make and I need to fight my devils and begin to finish things.

The List

• Jan 2007 - July 2008 - Severe relationship issues and a lot of couples therapy. I learned a lot, can’t speak for husband. With the breakdown of a marriage and relationship it was impossible for me to focus on anything much. A year and a half of introspection, self-doubt, and anger.
• July 2008 - We decide to try to make it work and to start trying to have a baby. My camera gets stolen from luggage by the Jetblue baggage handlers at JFK. I get $50 for a $400 Nikon.
• August 2008 - I get hit by a van while riding my bicycle. Husband’s father dies.
• September 2008 - I find out that I have High FSH (from a hormone test in January-results never given to me)
• October 2008 - I see an RE - I have fibroids that need to operated on and my tubes are blocked. Get operation- fibroid gone, tube unblocked (one was actually fine), found and removed endomitriosis. Learned some stuff about Husband that really hurt.
• November 2008 - Recovering from surgery. Tooth dies after getting cavity filled. Need root canal.
• December 2008 - Get root canal.
• January 2009 - First crown doesn’t fit
• January/February 2009 - First IVF - BFN
• March 2009 - Second crown fits but gum swells up and hurts horrible. Well lookie here, you have a furcation and need gum surgery.
• April 2009 - Get cell sample for co-culture no IVF. Have gum surgery. Ick.
• May 2009 - No IVF by choice - Husband’s “stuff”. Try naturally - BFN.
• June/July 2009 - Cannot do IVF due to clinic’s schedule. Closed for summer break. Just my luck. Can’t plan vacation because just missed it both months. Try naturally - BFNs. Find out that I have abysmally low vitamin D (the new magic vitamin). Low, as in I haven’t seen the light of day in years low.
• August/Sept 2009 - IVF converted to IUI. Bummed out. BFN.
• October /Nov 2009 - IVF converted to IUI. Bummed out. BFN. Cat is sick - spend lots of money on cat.
• November 2009 - Had first mammogram. Showed microcalcifications - IVF canceled. Have needle biopsy - find two types (pdf) of breast cancer marker cells. Husband not very supportive - in the middle of his “stuff”.
• December 2009 - Had excisional breast biopsy. All clear!!!! (Good thing!!)
• January 2010 - Good friend tells me (at four months!!) she’s pregnant again (long story there). Get a really bad cold right before vacation that I am putting off IVF for. Get UTI right before I leave.
• February 2010 - Hoping for the best.