I had a bad day on Friday.

All due to my very first mammogram (and a lot of assholes riding the NYC subway Friday afternoon).

When I had my yearly physical sometime in the early summer, my wonderful doctor, Dr. Theiner, said that I should get a mammogram this year as I had turned 40 and to ask for the script for it from my GYN.

So I go to the GYN, this new guy (well he’s pretty up there in age but he’s new to me) and have the shittiest GYN exam ever.  First off, a man hasn’t done a GYN exam on me in probably over a decade.  Yes, I know that the dates with Wandy count as some sort of exam but it’s not the same.  Second, he would wouldn’t really answer my questions.  I’d ask and he’d didn’t really listen to the question.  For instance, I told him that I was probably just done ovulating and asked if my cervical mucus looked ok.  His response was that it wasn’t great for some one who was about to ovulate.  Ummm, I just told you I had just ovulated.  So that went nowhere.

Then, he was doing that thing where they look busy to get you to leave the office, I paused  at the door and asked him if I should have a mammogram as I had turned 40.  I mean, we’ve been told this our whole lives “Turn 40. Get a mammogram. Turn 40. Get a mammogram.”  He looked up and said, “How old are you?” Duh, it’s all over the paperwork.  And then said essentially,  “Sure, if you want,” and handed me the script for the exam.

So I put it off for a few months and finally last week I made an appointment for this Friday (the 13th if you care - I don’t, I was born on the 13th).  Like most women, I had heard that the exam was uncomfortable but not unbearable, plus I have a high threshold for discomfort. I had just asked a friend about the exam the evening before and pretty much expected things to go swimmingly.

The exam itself was a breeze.  The technician was wonderful and explained the process to me as she was going through.  Then she took my film to the doctor to review.  She came back and said that sometimes on first exams, the doctor wanted to look more closely at certain areas, so she did a few more scans and sent me to the waiting room.  There I talked to an older woman and well, felt calm and happy that this was almost over so I could head to work and get on with my day.

The Messengers tell Job of his Misfortunes - William Blake

And then the bomb dropped.  The technician told me that the doctor want to talk to me about my exam.  The doctor introduced herself, sat me down and brought up a picture of one of my scans on the screen.  She said that on my right breast I had a cluster of microcalcification.   She said that it could be something, it could be nothing but I should get a needle biopsy.   She (Dr. Solow) explained to me the birad level of defining “things found on mammograms” (my quotes not hers) and that on a scale of 1 to 5, 1 being the best, 5 being the worst that mine was classified birad4 - possible malignant. If the cells proved malignant then I would need to have a surgical biopsy.

Really? WTF? Really?

And so I asked what the chances were and she said 50/50 and that’s when the panic started edging into my voice.  “Really , that high?” I said.  And she asked the other doctor Dr. Rosenblat, what she thought and Dr. Rosenblat said more like 20/80 which made me feel a little better.  But then I started freaking.  Because I’m on BCPs and am supposed  to start stim drugs in a few weeks.  Freaking.  I just canceled a vacation for the second time to do the IVF because I’m running out of time and this is my last chance this year.  I just rearranged my Thanksgiving schedule to make sure I’m back here for the baseline scan.  I have to leave home on Thanksgiving evening to get back here.  Everything is in place and I’m actually not thinking about the whole IVF thing much as per my plan of not over analyzing things. And now this.

So Dr Solow goes to check on scheduling for the biopsy and it turns out that their radiology department is way backed up.  One is on vacation and the other has something going on.  So the earliest they are able to do the biopsy is December 10th.  Fuck. What? But I’d have to miss this chance for IVF.  So then I really break down on the poor doctor.  I’m freaking out because I have a potential malignancy in my boob, I won’t be able to check for this until after my window for IVF passes because of scheduling issues, I’m running out of time to try to have a baby.

I realize that this sounds like I’m complaining about the inconvenience of having a biopsy but put yourself in my shoes and realize that it’s not about inconvenience, it’s about the frustration of everything happening at once.  It’s the frustration of finally giving in and trying not to fret over every little thing, to relax about this IVF stuff - the thing that I have basically put my entire life on hold for for a year, have alienated friends over, have drawn into myself over - only to be told that a potentially bigger thing may be looming on the horizon.  So forgive me if I focus on something like a schedule in order to make the potential problem seem smaller.

Long story short, while I’m desperately trying not to cry, this wonderful doctor is trying to help me find another hospital to try for this biopsy.  She gives me the name of the hospitals, tells me who to call, tells me what to say.  Imagine this petite women doctor trying to give assistance without the whole hugging thing to a hulking, tear leaking patient.  That was the scene.

So I say thank you and leave and start walking off into the rain crying and trying to call my mom.  Moments later the phone rings and it’s Dr. Solow.  She realized that I can go to the radiologist associated with her private practice and that her secretary will call me.

To make a long story a little shorter, Dr. Solow and staff went above and beyond and made me an appointment for the following Tuesday, November 17th.  Her office manager Jane made the appointment and gave me the contact information.  The radiologist’s office manager, Cathy (sp), told me all the details.  By some feat of Dr. Solow’s the films were ready Friday evening so I picked them up to deliver to the radiologist doing the biopsy on Tuesday.  They have to be there on Monday so he can prepare.

I am extremely grateful to these women for everything they have done for me.  They didn’t have to do it and they didn’t have to be so nice. It was really amazing (amazing doesn’t do it justice) to actually feel taken care of for once.  I’m not used to people taking care of me (except for my mom and dad ) and being nice. OK - I’m used to my friends being nice and being there for me (THANKS EVERYONE - DON’T WANT TO POST YOUR NAMES ON HERE ) but not people in general.  Usually, office visits are neutral at best and confrontational at worst.

So there it is.  I have a needle biopsy for birad4 microcalcification on Tuesday, November 17th and will know on Thursday whether I’m clear or whether I have bigger fish to fry than being 40 and trying to get pregnant.

I have tried not to Dr. Google this and have, for the most part, succeeded.  I did look up general information on microcalcification and the percentages are about right.  I looked up the procedure and what to expect - I probably should have just waited to be surprised (I’m thinking something along the lines of Young Frankenstein when Dr. Frankenstein and Inga are up in that elevated bed). And I started looking up some random stuff but then stopped because it was forum stuff and some crazy shit about biopsies causing full blown cancer.  Do I need to read crazy stuff right now? Even for educational purposes? HELL, NO.